Thursday, August 4, 2011

Destination Unknown: Part the Second

I'm back friend-os! And I have to say, today I did a lot of thinking. And not just about shopping. I feel like I was a little too hard on Final Destination. I'm obviously not going to go back and edit anything I wrote (otherwise it's not a live blog is it? And if I did do that the corpse of Baudrillard would come after me. Am I right?!) Anyhoozle. Final Destination is a fun WB-esque horror. And much better than some of the other ones of its time. *cough* Halloween Resurrection *cough*. In any event, on with the show and Final Destination 2. Is death still a thing? Do any of these actors have subsequent careers? Let's find out!



9:31pm A'ight so according to a news report it's a year after the plane crash that began the events in the first destination that was supposed to final. Interestingly, the news reports have picked up on the fact that the survivors of the flight were all killed and that Death's plan is infallible.

9:33pm The production designer is Michael Bolton. I hope it's this Michael Bolton.

9:37pm So some jerk kids are in a car driving to some weekend away and the filmmakers have already inserted at least 3 psych-outs. So far we've had people throwing cigarettes out of a car, someone talking on their phone, another person coked out while driving and one more person drinking while driving. Perhaps, Death's doing us all a favor. These people are jerks. And MAYBE Death put a lot of planning into this and MAYBE just fucking respect some hard work. Plus these deaths are kind of awesome.

9:44pm Bam! It was totes a premonition. If only this girl's friends weren't functional jag-wads then I'd actually care. But because Premonition Girl saw it coming she's blocking the road with her car. 

9:47pm OH SNAP! Another car crashes into her car anyway killing all her friends. Ladies and gentlemen, we have out final girl. We've also got a cokehead, Career Lady, Black Guy, Angry White Guy, a Mother and Son .... dang. They're not even trying to cover up their stereotyping anymore...

9:49pm: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm pretty sure they've copied and pasted Sawa's explanation scene from the first film. Since they're reiterating what happened in the first one...

9:52pm Wow, Final Girl's entire house is covered in the same shade wood paneling. I bet if you were drunk it'd just like an MC Escher painting.

9:53pm Death the first. Angry Young White Guy... who does not workout enough to justify a shirtless scene.... His name's Evan and he has a message from some girl named Tawny. Winning!

9:55pm Oh no! Evan's hand's stuck in a drain. And his appliances are exploding. At least these are realistic depictions of death.

9:58pm The Cute Police Guy is doing research about the Sawa incident on the 2002 version of the internet. Am I the only one that misses Geocities sites?

10:02pm He finds an article about Midriff Girl whose the only survivor and this is the best journalistic sentence ever: "was confined to Sunnybrook mental after claiming Death was trying to kill her."

10:04pm And we learn Midriff has voluntarily committed herself. Luckily she got her hair did before entering the asylum.

10:05pm Now Midriff is reexplaining the rules. A half-hour into the movie.  And gives Final Girl the advice to avoid "anything creepy and ominous".

10:09pm Final Girl calls Midriff a coward which cues several moments of this:

10:12pm Uh oh. I think the mother and son are in for a very unpleasant dentist trip as the CGI water has returned... but this time there are pigeons.

10:14pm The son dies but he literally caused his own death when he startles some pigeons making a construction worker drop a glass plate on him crushing his entire body.

10:16pm Midriff checked herself out of rehab (or whatever) to help them! YAY! And how does she help them? By.... taking them... to Candyman.... for the love of God. I'm getting a beer.

10:19pm Candyman talks cryptically about following the signs and showing off that he knows their names.

10:21pm So Midriff and Final Girl decide that if the pregnant lady who survived the crash lives long enough to give birth then that will throw off Death whole plan. There is really no rhyme or reason to this logic but if they act hard enough then it will work.

10:23pm Police guy abuses his power to put out an APB for the pregnant woman. A totally legit, non-self serving APB.

10:24pm All the survivors are gathered in the Police Guy's loft. Which is a totally great plan where nothing ever has or ever will go wrong.

10:28 Some of them decide to stay at Police Guy's place. Where camping gear keeps falling on them.

10:36pm The remaining survivors are all sitting around in a car talking about how they've all cheated death before. Yes. That's an effective use of time.

10:37pm Now it's revealed that if Midriff and friends hadn't gotten off that plane everyone in the sequel would be dead too. So ... this is a necessary sequel.

10:41pm Death is playing an elaborate version of Mousetrap involving leaking gas. Now I'm sad because I remembered that the version of Mousetrap I had never worked the way it did in the commercial and I used to cry. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME FINAL DESTINATION 2?!?!?!?

10:43pm Pregnant lady is about to give birth. Go remaining survivors! Go!

10:44pm Why are they letting Final Girl with her distracting premonitions drive. Surely there's someone else who can drive at high speeds when death is after you.

10:49pm The chick had the baby!!!!! Yay! No more death! SUCK IT DEATH!

10:50pm And they realize the pregnant lady was never supposed to die in the accident. Another survivor and Midriff die. There is one "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!" then everyone moves on.

10:51pm Now Final Girl is manning up and sacrificing herself .... if only we had seen this in another movie that would have shown us how this all works out.....

10:54pm Oh wait! Police Guy saved her. This all seems so familiar somehow.....

10:55pm It just occurred to me that Police Guy is like 33 and Final Girl is around 17. Ew.

10:56pm Oh and now both their families are having a barbeque.... And someone blows up. Just like in a Godard film.

Fin.

2 comments:

  1. This was not by any definition a good film. However, that car crash dream at the beginning was horrific. More suited for part of a YouTube highlight reel than an entire movie, but still.

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  2. Agreed! I was surprised how much was directly lifted from the 1st film. Though the internet has me believing that #3 will be the bees knees so we'll see how that one goes...

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