Wednesday, December 15, 2010

We're Going To Need Cave Divers

Back in the oddly specific time and location of Cold-War Romania some British guys decide to loot a cave. But the cave is cursed! They don't care and carry on anyway, until the CGI gets them at least...

 It's like they almost didn't want it to look real. From this point on I regarded The Cave as an art house movie.

Cut to present day 2005 and some Andy Warhol-esque models are required to go into the cave. 

See? You've got the chick from Coyote Ugly, the Guy Who Dumped His Wife for LeAnne Rimes... and a Black Guy. Well, guess everyone's here....

Oh, wait. The other ethnicity showed up too! Now they get to say some super-sick (in the good way) dialogue:

"I've been analyzing these read-outs."
"Respect the cave."
"Virgin caves!"
"The cave draperies are siiiiiiick dude. Totally rockin'!"

The also swap the word "fuck" for "freakin'" which I appreciate as any movie above a PG-13 rating is trying to corrupt the population.

Then they find these ruins which show the people who used to live there fighting "demons" then dying by the hands of said demons. It's strange because non of the characters are like, "That's freakin' lame, dude! Demons aren't real! These cave draperies on the other hand..." No. They all stand around and acknowledge the warning about the demons. No one discredits it and they still go down! I think "Bruce Hunt" is an alternative name for Lars Von Trier.

Then they find these suckers who keep biting and clawing at them and decided to take time out to examine them to remind everyone that they're scientists.
OMFG you guys!!! Those were babies!!!! Freakin' look at the full-grown ones! You can't quite see it but in the above picture one of the ... things is chomping on Violet from Coyote Ugly, who then manages to assert to her spelunking buddies, "They fly! They frickin' fly." Yes, they do Violet. Yes, they do.
Then even though she's half-eaten she manages to set the thing on fire. Yay Violet! You get promoted to head slutty bartender! Then she dies and no one says much of anything about that which aids at keeping the running time at 80 minutes.

But wait, friends! One of the guys who was bitten is going CRRRRRAZY and his eyes are all WEEEEEEIIIIRD! OMG THEY'RE NOT DEMONS AT ALL! THEY'RE HUMANS THAT HAVE BEEN TURNED INTO MONSTERS!!!!! See? This movie is crazy significant.

Then the guy who's about to become one of them sacrafices himself so the other people can still make it out. See, now it's emotionally complex. But we're only at the 75 minute mark! What will make up the rest???

Wow. The other girl got out and is a monster?!?! Dayum.

The Cave is one of those movies that makes you believe that anyone can succeed at film making. Literally. Anyone.

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