Monday, December 13, 2010

How to House-Sit Properly

I thought I would pass on my tips to house-sitting as that is what I'm currently doing for some family friends. House sitting is fun if you know the right way to do and by "the right way" I mean not dying by the hands of some psycho.

#1 Lock That Shit Down.

When you first enter the house your first instinct is to probably raid the fridge, liquor cabinet and drug cupboard. DON'T. You need to seal the entrances. If you know the house, this shouldn't take too long. If you don't, ask the people to leave a detailed floor map so you can find the exits easily.

#2 Make Sure You're The Only One in Said House.

Psychos can make their way in after the owners leave and before you enter. So check that no one else is home. Psychos like to hide behind shower curtains, in closets and in air vents. These need to be checked throughly.

#3 The House Is Haunted

If the walls bleed red, the heating system makes a sound like "GET OUT" and doors keep opening by themselves you've got yourself a haunted house.  Likely the owners know that too and are trying to sacrifice you to something. All you can do is to convert to Catholicism and get thee to the nearest Church.

#4 The Owners Have a Not So Pleasant Secret.

All families have skeletons in the closet. Most families do not have literal skeletons or deformed children that are kept in the attic. If you hear banging do not approach. It will kill you or break free, lock you in there and you will become the weird murderous attic kid.

#5 There's Lots Of Weird Banging

Since I've been in this house I'm looking after I've heard two loud bangs. For reals. I jumped both time but DO NOT INVESTIGATE. Psychos that have to bang to get your attention are no psychos at all. They just want attention. If you're going to get killed make sure it's by some one clever.

#6 Holy Crap There's Still Someone After Me!

It's ok. This happens. The worst thing you could do is grab a kitchen knife and cower in a closet until you're inevitably found. Go for a spider monkey attack on their asses. They won't expect it. Their whole plan is centred around making you afraid. If you full out attack them first, you'll at least go down foiling their plans.

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